Monday Night Goes to Mexico

Recently I went on a trip to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.  And while the sun was nice and the pool cool, and the drinks . . . alcoholic, it was the little things that I began to miss about my life here in alfalfa country.  So, with apologies to Quentin Tarrentino, more for his giant forehead and annoying voice then the fact I’m stealing his bit,

Monday Night at the Farm presents “it’s the little things.”

-Okay, so tell me again about the new flying rules.

Okay what you want to know?

-Toenail clippers are legal right?

They’re legal, but they’re not a hundred percent legal.  You can’t just walk into an airport pull them out and start trimming away.  Airports want you to trim in your home or put them in certain designated places.

-And that would be your checked luggage?

Right, see it breaks down like this; there are a lot of things you can’t carry onto a plane now.  Take batteries, it’s legal to buy them, it’s legal to own them, and if you are the proprietor of an airport souvenir shop, it’s legal to sell them, but, but check this out, if you have extra batteries it’s illegal for you to put them in your carry on luggage.  I mean that’s a right in the airport you don’t have.

-Oh man, I don ‘t want to go, that’s all there is to it.

I know you’d hate it the most.  But you know the funniest thing about Mexico?

-What?

The little differences.  I mean they’ve got the same stuff over there as we have over here, but there, it’s just a little different.

-Example.

Okay you can walk into a shoe shop in Mexico and ask for a big shoe, and I’m not talking about a size fourteen, I’m talking about an eleven and a half, and you know what?  They’ll just tilt their heads in wonder.  And you can walk around for an hour and you won’t see anyone over five foot six.   Do you know what they call Diet Coke in Mexico?

-They don’t call it a Diet Coke?

No man they all weigh like a hundred pounds they don’t what the hell a diet is. 

-What do they call it?

They call it a Coke light.

-A Coke Light.  What do they call a regular Coke?

Regular Coke is regular Coke except over there they have Coke Max too.

-Coke Max, huh, heh, heh, heh, heh.  What do they call a Pepsi?

I don’t know, I don’t drink crap.  (Of course here in Indiana anything made by Coke is called woman juice, as in “Hey Bubba, you having a Bud, or do you want some more of that woman juice?)

(Another thing I’ve noticed: you know how when you are in the U.S. and they say something in English and then in Spanish, well in Mexico it’s the other way around, like it should be right?  Well what I’ve noticed is that when you get the information second it’s just a little too late.  Like on the plane, the pilot starts talking and all the Mexicans start buckling up, then he finishes and right before he starts into the English the plane starts bumping all over the place, too late he tells us in English to expect a little turbulence.)

Things I’ve found in teachers classrooms:

I’m not sure if it is just the fact that I am teaching in some really backwoods areas or if all teachers just need there own release from the hard rigors of stupid mean spirited brats, er I mean our nations future, but I have found some weird stuff in some teacher’s classrooms.

The Sixty-five year old music teacher with a signed Brett Favre life sized stand up cardboard cutout.

A Middle school science teacher with the whole South Park action figure set and a bumper sticker in his coat cabinet with Cartman saying something about feeding hungry Ethernopians.

An English teacher with word of the day toilet paper on her desk, used, I hope, for tissue.

An Art teacher with a Wok, a blender, two of those all day cooking pots whose name has completely escaped me, and a toaster.  I’m sure there is some sort of explanation for that.

A first grade teacher with one of those electric shock collars, I’m sure she was only tempted to use it on her children.   I know I was.

And, with all of her math books, a eighth grade Algebra teacher with an almost complete collection of Adam Sandler movies.  I was disappointed when I did not see Billy Madison.  When does an Algebra teacher have time in class to watch Happy Gilmore and the Wedding Singer?

This week’s late night TV invention:

Click and stick, the one-handed tape dispenser. Saves whole seconds.  Watch the professional wrapper wrap this package without any help at all.  Plus it’s not dangerous like the tape dispensers we all have in our homes today; did you know they were sharp enough to pop a balloon?  And if you order now you can also get fancy designer tape, (red metallic and gold metallic) for a professional look.  (I wonder if I would be allowed to bring scotch tape onto a plane.)

Funniest thing I saw today:

My dog throwing up.  But not just throwing up, not just blowing chunks, or hurling or spewing, it was like throwing chunks of spew.  Now, while I probably should have felt bad, or worried, or even upset as half digested bits of High Protein Lamb and rice formula splattered against my windows, watching his whole body lunge forward and seeing that much food come out of that small of a body, just put a smile on my face.  You know like seeing a midget, or the blank look on a hicks face when you ask for something other than Bud, or Bud Light, or watching people slip on the same patch of ice over and over while you sit inside your favorite bar, cozy and warm, drinking beer with your friends.  Aww I miss the Good Times.