How to talk hick

Some Random thoughts on:

Monday Night at the Farm

Here in Indiana it is impossible to make yourself understood unless you know the lingo, (it’s a lot like Ebonics for hicks,) basically any word can be a verb, say that you are looking for something, like a watch, a dog, or a gun, then you are watching, dogging, and gunning, though I believe they must be spelled without the final ‘g’.  People actually look at me weird when I don’t put the letter ‘r’ in the word wash.  “No I am not doing the warsh, I’m doing the wash, I said the wash . . . wash . . . w-a-s-h.   Fine I’m doing the laundry, happy?”  If I hear that one more person ‘seen’ it, I’m going to flip out.  Do they not teach the past tense in this state?

Why is it that everyone on Friends grew up in New York but has a Midwestern accent? 

Note: By the way, I looked it up, and welp is not a word.

I don’t know if it’s just me, or if people down here really are that lazy, but no one really named any roads down here.  Either they are named after the two towns they go between, Ray-Clear Lake, Ray-Quincy, Coldwater-Quincy, or they are just numbered.  For instance my street address is 4145 N 775 E.  That’s not a road it’s a GPS coordinate.  Is it so hard to come up with something like Elk, or Maple, or Franklin, or Dead Deer Pass?

I’m only upset because I actually got my own street address wrong.  I mean the first thing you teach your kids when they leave the house is how to get back, their address and phone number.  I’m twenty-two and I was telling people the wrong address.

It’s not good enough to shoot and kill deer, but you must first get up stupidly early, then you have to sit out in the cold silently and wait for them to come to you.  There is no sport to it, it’s just sitting there with a gun and a beer and trying not to shoot your friend.  So why is it they have so many damn magazines?  

I went to urgent care the other day and while I waited in the little room I decided to read a magazine, I thought I might grab a sports illustrated or something, oh no, my only options were Bow Hunting Quarterly, Outdoor Sportsman, Coon Hound Fancy, and a local publication, a three page commentary on Shotguns vs. Rifles in non-tree stand hunting.

Maybe it’s just me, or maybe it’s because up until recently I have not had TV, and now that I do I find myself watching the commercials that have the newest time saving product or CD for sale.  Actually it seems like there are a lot of strange CDs for sale, like the greatest country ballads, or accordion rock, or songs of the chef.  Is it just me, or at three in the morning do those CDs sound damn good, so good that I find myself trying to remember the number so I can call and order them.  Is it just me?  I mean do you find yourself strangely drawn to the shoe that converts into an inline skate?  The paint roller that edges perfectly?  How do they make these crappy products sound so appealing?  I know, I know, It’s just me.

New favorite expression:  That really chaps my ass.

For the vegetarian out there . . . some things that has cow in it that you would never suspect:

Yogurt thickener . . . mmmm, I knew I liked yogurt.

Brake fluid, hood ornaments, emery boards, marshmallows, margarine, and mayonnaise.

The children here are still just like those of any place, except there random facts are a little stranger, in the city you might hear something like, “Did you know that the average life span for a left handed male is 62 years-old?”  To that you can answer, no Timmy, I didn’t know that, but that still doesn’t mean that you can skip out of class and go play Final Fantasy 43.  Here you hear things like, “Did you know a mule is a cross between a donkey and a horse and that they are sterile?”  Or like I had today “Did you know that a cow has two hearts and the first one can’t fart, so if a cow eats really gassy food it’ll explode?”  What the hell do you say to that?

By the way.

Dallas won the game nine to seven; luckily I woke up after sleeping through the third and fourth quarters to see the game winning field goal with zero seconds to go.  That is just great, now even one of those crap ass teams is better than Detroit.  Go Redwings.