The Second
Installment of Monday Night at the Farm brings you
The Top Five ways to
know that you live alone on a farm
5 You find yourself trying to decide if it is actually cold
enough to turn on the heat, and if it is, whether it is more or less efficient
to turn the heat on only to warm the house until it is bearable again and then
to shut it back off until you can no longer feel your toes, or just to leave it
on.
(Incidentally I decide that it’s only forty, and hell I’d
camped in colder, and so I put on my fleece wrapped myself into my huge green
comforter and made a hearty bowl of condensed chicken noodle soup. Ahh, nothing wrong with that)
4 You overhear intellectual conversations at the local
lumberyard.
Clerk: That’s what I say.
Farmer: Yep.
Clerk: Exactly, so
what can I do you for?
Farmer: Welp, I’ve
got a bit of a gofer problem out in the back forty and my son, lazy little guy
can’t seem to get him with my shotgun, I was wondering if you’d got any traps
in here.
Clerk: Welp, (this
isn’t a word is it, because I find myself saying it and I’m pretty sure it’s
not a word, right?) We’s all outta gofering traps, but I tell you a little
trick. You get yourself some juicy fruit
from Jim Skeleton out there at the 76 station there and ball it up and put it
in their runs you see, theys got the wrong kind of digestive system there or
sometin and theys’ll die if they eats it.
Farmer: Hah, you
sound like my eight-year-old son, always looking for some hokey trick or
something, ‘dad the gun hurts my shoulder when I shoot it, can’t we just smoke
em out.’ That stuff never works I tell
you. But thanks anyway.
Clerk: It works I
tell you, go talk to Skeleton, he’ll tell you too, he will.
Farmer: Yeah, welp
thanks.
(I of course began to think of Caddy Shack at the mere
mention of gophers and when he mentioned that his son was only eight and
already toting around his dad’s shotgun I thought, welp, he might never be all
that bright, but the kid can shoot, so he’s got that going for him.)
3 Your parents, while visiting for the weekend, realize
suddenly that it is a farm and there really isn’t anything to do, so they
insist on rearranging the furniture in the house and then I’m dumb enough to
let them take the dog when they leave.
When my parents show up they do all sorts of things to my
way of life, nagging me, making me do silly things like eat off of plates, use
silverware, do the laundry, wash myself, you know. But to move all of the stuff in the house . .
. I spent the better part of Monday evening just looking for things . . . like
the couch.
2 When the only thing on television is boring you find
yourself playing games like count the holes in the ceiling, and make new holes
in the ceiling to count.
The game, which was a blow out, is hardly worth mentioning,
that is except for a few key moments.
Favorite football moment #2
The failed end around.
A trick play that if it is sniffed out early enough sends an entire
defensive unit rushing into the backfield to take out a tall but certainly not
stable receiver. He jukes left to find a
two hundred fifty pound linebacker with $$$’s in his eyes knowing a tackle for
a loss gives him an extra forty million per year, jukes right to see his tight
end get run over by a three hundred pound defensive lineman that will do anything
to get his name mentioned on Monday night Football and he does the worst
possible thing, turns backwards looking for more room, meanwhile the
quarterback who tried to block a defensive back is on the ground with a groin
pull and the Linebacker and defensive lineman converge and smother the poor
receiver for a ten yard loss, knocking them out of field goal range. The receiver doesn’t get up the quarterback
doesn’t get up, the only one who is happy about the play on the offensive side
of the ball is the running back who didn’t have to get creamed on this one
play. Ahh football.
Best commercial.
I wanted this to be one of the very touching patriotic
commercials that have been floating around on the air, but it has to go to this
really freaky singing belly button commercial, if you haven’t seen it, the word
is yeesh, with a little shiver.
Downright weird, I love it.
1 You accidentally run into a piece of furniture that wasn’t
there the day before and out loud apologize to it. Then and still out loud you ask yourself if
you just vocally apologized to a piece of furniture while alone in a
house. Then, still out loud, you ask
yourself if you’re now talking to yourself.
If my dog had been there at least I could have talked to
her, I mean that’s bad enough, but the furniture?
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